Satisfied Conversation

Small talk. It is a social convention that most people say they hate, yet we use every day. These types of conversation can feel empty or superficial, two qualities many people try to reject in their lives. We prefer to think of ourselves as people who have solely substantive conversations. If we are going to talk to someone, we want the conversation to have value. Yet small talk is sometimes a go-to type of conversation. In fact, a recent study in Psychological Science of substantive vs. small talk conversations showed that nearly 1 in 5 of the participants’ conversations consisted mostly of small talk.

The way researchers measured this was by using their EARs…also known as Electronically Activated Recorders. These are recording devices participants wear that automatically record sound at researcher chosen intervals. In this study, the EAR recorded 30 seconds of conversation every 12.5 minutes. All of the recordings are then compiled for each participant and coders go through and classify each conversation. For this study, coders marked the 30 second recordings as either small talk (i.e. only trivial information was exchanged; e.g. “What do you have there? Popcorn? Yummy!”), substantive conversation (i.e. meaningful information was exchanged; e.g. “She fell in love with your dad? So, did they get divorced soon after?”), and neither (i.e. no conversation happening).

However, that wasn’t the only thing the study was measuring. Researchers also wanted to know whether people with higher well-being (i.e. people who rate highest on measures of well-being, satisfaction with life, and self-reported happiness) had different percentages of small talk and substantive conversations than those who rated lower in well-being. What they found was that higher well-being was associated with having much less small talk and more substantive conversations. High well-being was also associated with a greater likelihood of talking with others and not being alone. Happier people (those with higher levels of well-being and life satisfaction) are having deeper conversation!

Now, it is important to note that like all correlation studies, correlation does not imply causation. But we can still make reflect on possibilities: Does more substantial conversations make use more satisfied with life, does satisfaction with life lead to more substantive conversation, or is there some third variable that makes people feel happier AND allow for more substance? Let’s investigate.

Option A: More substantial conversations lead to greater feelings of happiness in life. Interpersonal communication is a huge factor in our relationships; you can’t be close if you don’t talk. (This is a huge issue in couples who have been together so long they feel they don’t have anything to say to each other anymore. Communication is key!) As we talk to others, we learn more about them and develop better relationships. However, just talking is not enough to learn about someone. I do not learn much about a person who I spend 5 minutes talking about how much it is raining outside. We grow by having conversation that gives us a real glimpse of the other person’s life. So, substantive conversation help develop relationships. In the past, having a greater number of positive relationships has been linked to greater life satisfaction. Voila…but this discussion isn’t finished. Why are our relationships linked to life satisfaction? Isn’t life satisfaction a personal thing, not an interpersonal thing…or is it…?

Option B: Satisfaction with life leads to more substantive conversation. When do you feel most likely to resort to small talk? When you are in a familiar place or in a foreign situation? With close friends or strangers? When you are comfortable or uncomfortable? For me at least, I most often resort to small talk when I am unsure of my situation or who I am talking to (something that causes many people to feel uncomfortable). I speculate that a tendency towards small talk in conversation is partially a function of discomfort. Interestingly, life satisfaction is associated with better adaptability in situations (resulting in less discomfort) and greater curiosity (more willing to move past feelings of discomfort for interest’s sake). Therefore, well-being helps lessen discomfort, allowing one to feel able to engage in substantive conversation. Once again, voila! However, discomfort is clearly not the only precursor of small talk. What other factors lead to small talk, and why do more satisfied people have less of that? Do they have less of it, or are they better at ignoring it?

Option C: A third variable makes people feel happier AND enables substantive conversations. I remember when I worked at a bank, I hated small talk, but since all of my conversations with customers lasted about 2 minutes, they were all I could do. I also disliked my job for other reasons that had little to do with substance of my customer interactions (though I sometimes wished to know more than how hot it was outside). My satisfaction with my life at the time was very low and coincidentally my number of small talk conversations was incredible high, but they were both a function of my job atmosphere. Maybe there are also jobs that allow people to be satisfied with their life and contributions while at the same time have substantive conversation with coworkers and clients. What third variables do you think could be at play here?

In conclusion, we all have both substantive and less-than-substantive conversations in different proportions for each person based on many variables. Now, satisfaction with life is linked as one of those variables, but we don’t know why yet. Look at your own life. Ask yourself a couple of questions:

• In what situations am I more likely to have small talk? In what situations am I more likely to have substantive talk?
• How do I feel when I have more substantive talks? How do I feel when I have less substantive talks?
• At times when I am feeling most satisfied with my life, which type of conversation do I tend to have?
• Do I feel closer to people when I have substantive conversation with them? How about when I have small talk with them?
• Does feeling closer to people make me feel more satisfied with my life? Are other variables better predictors of my life satisfaction?
• What do I like talking about most? How do I feel when I’m in situations that allow that subject of conversation?

These are all questions you can ask yourself to help you better understand yourself as well as you interactions with other people. Let me know what you find!